Bismillah

Bismillahirrahmanirahim

I pray that those who are reading to make doa for me. I am stepping into fulltime adulthood, standing on shaky grounds, raring to go forward, thirsty to experience and learn new things and yet, uncertain on how far I can go, with who I will pursue my life with, and to what extent my sacrifices are. I envision things to be hard for me for I currently feel like a bird with a broken wing, a person who loses her right hand, and sometimes numb and paralysed.

I am scared yet excited what the future holds for me, what Allah holds for me.
I am thirsty for more knowledge but at the same time, fear of Allah’s promise of hardship to those who have ilm but fails to make good use of it.
I believe in life companionship but right now, things are just at odds from every angle and I wish to break free from the norms society imposed on me.
I ..I.. There are so many things which I want to accomplish, which I want to do…ya Rab, make firm my feet like those whom you love.

I will be embarking on a personal journey to constantly and vigorously purify myself, to strengthen my relationship with Allah s.w.t, to lower my nafs, to be more disciplined and to reconcile me and everything around me. Please make doa for me and those I love and care about. Syukran.

Guide me for You are the source of all Guidance.
All in the heavens and earth belongs to you.

Ya rabbal alamin

Of Ideas

Bismillahirrahmanirahim

You know, I have so many ideas sometimes, but I fear to put them forward
Because I know, I might stir up less than needed hassle and tension
Because its too simple, not realistic, not feasible

But
I remember a time when I was too scared and hesitated to put my design for a choir costume forward , fear of rejection, which is almost sealed in the cast
But
I remember a time when a discerning classmate told me, ” you have a lot of ideas, execute them “

Do I have enough courage to embark on this alone?

Wallahualam

Maaf

I have hurt your feelings akh

No words can express how sorry I am, how upset I am with myself for upsetting a fellow brother whom I have high regard for but here it is

I am sorry

Of Acquaintances and Friends

Bismillahirrahmanirahim

I was just looking through some photos of people whom I know from my teenage years ( On facebook )…whom I would not call them as friends, rather, my acquaintances.

Some of them, alhamdulillah, masyaAllah, I can see are closer to Him.
I see their happy photos with their friends.

They are all lovely people, nice persons.
But I ask myself, why is it so hard for me to ‘click’ with them? Is it because, I am too simple or boring? Or am too picky or dont open up myself much to others? Or is it because, I dont like big group of friends? Or I rather spend my time alone?

Why is that when I see these people, I just want to be invisible and I cringe when I see them?
Admittedly, when I see them or bump into them , individually, I actually enjoy catching up with some of them and wont hesitate to initiate a ‘hi’. For some of them, we ran out of things to say and just smile at each other , awkwardly. But for some of them, I rather not say hi and just pretend I didnt see them.

But when they are in a group, I will just stay away as far as possible. Its the most awkward and insane feeling.

Astargfirullah.

I dont understand myself sometimes.

I really should be doing my report and poster…( a re-post :) )

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

As I lay here in the living room,
I recollect all the things which we have been through
The smiles and the heartaches
The laughter and the tears
The emails and the letters
The petty fights and the quarrels
The comforting words
The gentle gestures
The caring shoulder
The much needed reminders and motivation
My confidante
My sahabah
My fellow comrade in Iman

I pray that Allah guides the both of us, to be better servants with each passing moment
And never let us out of His Sight, His Rahmah, His Taufeek , His Hidayah..

Ana Uhibbukka Fillah

I scare myself sometimes ( More ramblings )

Bismillahirahmanirahim

I often lapse into moments of , negativity about everything , life, love and everything.
I have gone through it during my late teens, but somehow, it has come to revisit me yet again.

Life

I often think that I know what life brings already;
From a baby, to a teenager, to a young adult, with marriage ensuing, then you have kids, and most probably as a woman, you stay home to look after the kids…n then your kids get married..and you grow old with or without the first person you marry…and you grumble about your job, your office politics, the environment..everything.

You wake up every morning , leave at 7 to arrive at work, just to reach home by 7 each day, for every weekday , for the rest of your life. Or make it for the next 40 years of your life, and before you know it, you are old and grey, with aching joints and menopausing. Your children might or not remember you..haha..

And, what’s next?

Is that all to life?
Ok, just for the record, I know what my life is about, what I want to do, and how everything ties in with Allah. I do
So , dont worry

I am just lapsing into ‘moments’.
Sometimes, I look into the sky, I know that the world is not real, it is not permanent.

The fact that I am sitting here, typing out this post at 0025 in the morning, 18th April 2009, using Google Chrome, which has 7 tabs, and listening to Allah Knows by Zain Bhikha, is … surreal…

Man, I need to get out of this rut soon.

The last time I was hit badly with this , I felt that I am walking in a dream…like everything wasnt real..it was really scary..

But on the other side, it helps me realign my thoughts, why I am here in this world, how Allah s.w.t fits into everything, the emptiness makes me realize that something is the bigger picture and I need to fill it in , to balance my , well, life.

I used to get so entrenched in this , mostly due to my course in literature in junior college. The themes always revolved around the darkest aspect of mankind, death, brutality, injustice, sadness and the like.
Studying for literature always leave a bad aftertaste , like what a dear teacher said once,” lets just take drugs and die since we are going to die anyway…”
I thought that it made sense actually.

I am sleepy now…think I will edit this incoherent piece when I am in a better frame of mind.

I think it is all the lab that is driving me up the wall..

Wassalam

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Ampun ya Allah..

Kerana diri ini bukan seorang yang cemerlang dalam kursus kimianya

Kearna diri ini tidak boleh menghayati ilmu kimiaMu

Kerana diri ini bukanlah seorang pelajar yang baik…

Ampun ya Allah…

Incredibly Frustrated

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Beware, if you dont like the sounds of a lady whining and complaining, I advise you not to read on.
Because this post is solely dedicated to it.

1) Lab and chemistry

I am very sick of lab.Very very sick.
I realised that since the beginning of year 3, I have lost interest in chemistry. Totally.
I cannot understand the technicalites, I cannot apply, I dont like lab.
My reactions somewhat just dont work , and they take too long. Always end up doing the wrong things in lab.
I dont like the way people in the lab gossip about the other one and try to drag me into the picture.
I dont like the way people are hypocrites with one another.
I am trying very hard to put up with my friend who can be so much tidier if he wants to be.

Alhamdulillah, thank goodness, they are generally nice enough to me. Always saying hi and byes. And joking around with me. I would go insane if they are not there. And alhamdulillah for such a nice and gentle professor.

I drag my feet everyday to lab. The only thing I tell myself everyday is, “Sha, this is your amanah as a student,you must go”

Very Sincerely, I cant wait to graduate.

2. Brothers

I shall announce on this space of mine. I am very very very jealous of them.
They get to talk about movement issues, they get to discuss about initiaitives , how to move the ummah, the world. And I dont.
It frustrates me to the max that I have to hear bits and pieces,” oh, ya it was mentioned the other day…”
Just because I am a sister. And perhaps, my roles are actually limited to that of a wife and a mother.
I am so restless because these are the knowlegde, these are the wisdoms which I desperately yearn to learn, to breathe in, but I cant.
Truly, I have a strong knee jerk reaction when I land in such situations which I hear a brother relate to me what is shared in their study circles.
Why cant I be there in such circles?
Why cant I be in the midst of discussions about the situation of the ummah beyond of what I already know, the efforts of other brothers and sisters out there is Islam?

But alhamdulillah, a good friend of mine, shares with me the content of the discussions.
But alhamdulillah, these days, I am exposed to the vibes of ‘Islamic Intellect’, and I am able to explore certain dimensions which I have not been exposed to before.
Perhaps, this is all Allah’s doings, Perhaps, He knows best my place,my limited capacity.

Ya Allah,
I truly want to do a lot for You , for our Ummah ya Allah.
But sometimes, getting whiffs of the aroma is not enough for me, I want to savour the dish.

Ya Allah,
If truly, I am limited in my capacity , distance me from the aromas ya Allah.
The urges , the desire to savour the dish gets stronger, but I always end up with none ya Rab.
And I am having difficulties in controlling my frustrations.

Ya Allah,
If truly this is a way of testing me, please allow me to pass this test.
Please allow some light to ease into my heavy heart

Forgive me ya Rab, for eveything

If

Ya Allah

If I cant understand

With your Rahmah and Taufeeq, allow me ya rab…