Bismillahirrahmanirahim :]

I have never imagined myself to be teacher when I was younger ; journalist,scientist etc etc but never a teacher but here I am, one step closer! hehe

A sense of dread and apprehension filled in me as I left the building after the registration. And I can feel my demons clutching and tugging at my feet.

Its not so much of meeting new people, being in a new environment. I enjoy meeting new people even though it doesnt show much on my face at first glance due to my sour face : P

I met some people from my past.Well, lets just say that I was the oddball in secondary school. And this translates to, not having any close friends ( Malay/Muslim ), sitting alone at the back of the class for two whole years during Malay lessons, never went our on hari raya gatherings, never hanged out for lunch or outings, the easy target for the guys to bully and poke fun at in quite a demeaning way..yes, that was me in secondary school. They are all nice people, really, but its just that our frequency were so different or maybe I am just too boring a person. It was a tough time getting through 4 years of my secondary life and I purposely chose to go to yishun for my jc days, for the sole purpose of getting away from that crowd.

I believed, I have forgave them, I have let go..I sincerely believed, but everytime I run into them in groups..I just wished that the earth will open up and swallow me through. There is this knee-jerk reaction thing I cant control.
( This is going to be an interesting post…haha)

And today, I met some of them, and I know I will meet more of them.
I cant describe this feeling of .. I dont know.

I am scared actually.
Scared of going through everything all over again. My instinct is just to keep a low profile , again.
But at the same time, these are the people who I need, whom the ummah needs to propogate daawah.
I need to jalin again with them, a silahraturrahim. How can I do all that with this need to just run away from seeing them? Ya Allah..I am really fearful even though the only being I should be fearful to is You.

There is seriously something wrong with me, I dont hate them really..I just..sigh…entahlah..
I really need to get over myself.

I need to.

Help me ya Rab..